How Did I Get This Far?
Carrie Bower
If you had seen me, three years ago, crumbled on the bathroom floor of the hospital- wailing for my lost child… you wouldn’t recognize me. And that previous “me” wouldn’t recognize the current me, either. In moments like those, you tell yourself, “I’ll never survive this.” “I don’t want to keep going.” “This is the worst thing in the world that could have happened to me.” Then later- you find yourself saying ,”I will Survive.” “I will keep going.” “That child was the best thing that ever happened to me.” It’s so gradual that you almost don’t see the changes as they come over you.
The road back to sanity after a loss is not a tidal wave, like the loss… It is a gradual soft wave that sweeps up onto the beach of your life and warms you.
It has been three years since our daughter Lila left our arms in her sleep. (www.lilabower.last-memories.com). Strangely enough it has passed quickly, and with each year we experience less hurt and more joy in remembering. That makes me think about where I am and how I got this far. I have so many people to thank for helping me take these steps back toward normacly. Most of all, I’d like to thank those who didn’t pass over her memory, those who kept saying, “we remember,” “she matters.” Those are the friends and family members who helped make it possible for me to smile and laugh again.
At the top of my to-thank list is God. He patched up my heart, filled my arms with another bundle of joy to help ease the pain, and showed me that there is life on the other side of the loss.
So to answer my own question of how I got this far… it took three years of tiny steps with the love of other people holding me up.
Carrie Bower and her husband, Josh, live in Indiana with their children, Madelyn and Jude. Their daughter, Lila Grace, passed away in February of 2008. They are excited to expand their family by becoming foster parents in 2011. Readers may feel free to write to Carrie and Josh using the contact option on Lila’s website, www.lilabower.last-memories.com.
