I’m Pregnant
Jennifer Turner
March 19, 2011
I’m Pregnant!
Good news, right? I sure hope so! I now live in a world that didn’t exist to me with my first two pregnancies. I mean, I had heard horror stories of people who had had late miscarriages, or still births, or newborns who passed away shortly after birth, but it was never close to me. I have an aunt and uncle who lost a newborn when I was very young, but again – I was too young for it to really affect me as I began my own childbearing. It was something that happened to other people. It wouldn’t happen to me. But now that my son has passed away, I am surrounded by more and more stories of parents who have been in those situations (and many more), and the reality of it is really real. I mean, really real.
So I have so many worries this pregnancy that never even crossed my mind before. I am concerned about the health of the baby, I am concerned about people’s reaction to my pregnancy. I really don’t want to hear anyone say “good for you.” I am concerned that I’m not going to love this baby as much… we wouldn’t be having this baby if Colby was still here, so am I going to have resentment towards this one? And I don’t want another boy. I don’t want this baby to be like Colby – not that there’s much of a chance for anyone to be like Colby.
Even through all the worries, we are excited. Our 4-year-old daughter is really excited. I am only 16 weeks, and she keeps looking at my belly and saying, “Woah! You’re huge!” Way to make a pregnant mom feel good (and no, I’m not huge… not yet, at least). I wish Colby was here to hug and kiss my belly, too, but I know he’s watching down on us, sending us rainbows along the way.
Bio: Jennifer Turner is currently working full time, hoping to one day be a stay-at-home mom. She lost her son, Colby, in December 2009. She resides in Lewisville, Texas with her husband and daughter.
Note from Patti McKenna: Jennifer, on behalf of myself and all of the co-authors of From a Lullaby to Goodbye, we wish you a healthy, happy pregnancy and a lifetime of good health and happiness with your newest child.
March 19, 2011 at 4:39 pm
Jennifer — you are right to have strange emotions. I found out I was pregnant just weeks after we lost Nora. I was pregnant when she died and didn’t even know it. She is what helped me get through the day. The first year of her life was so difficult. Not knowing what the day would bring – would it, could it happen again? It wasn’t until she turned 2 that we breathed a sigh of relief – we still worry, I think, much more than other parents. I know you won’t resent this child – if anything you’ll feel like you want another one. I am always thinking, if only we had one more then we would have 3 kids like we were supposed to — but even if we had another, we would still be missing one. Lots of hugs sent your way – congratulations
March 20, 2011 at 4:27 am
Jennifer- Just wanted to send my hugs and let you know that I can understand somewhat. We lost our 15 day old son on March 18th, 2009. Its been two years, and yet it still feels like yesterday. I am also 37 weeks pregnant. And Im terrified. Like I had said to my husband, I joined a group on babycenter.com titled “miscarriage, still birth, and infant loss” after I had my two miscarriages. Now I had added infant loss to the list, and I am utterly terrified that this will be the 3rd, the still birth. I am afraid to love this baby. I want him or her so bad, but loving it makes me scared. What if this one dies too? How will I survive?
I think this is something that we as mothers of angels will always have to deal with, even if our children grow up big and strong. The day I stop worrying is the day they lay me to rest. But knowing that I can get support from my God, My religion, my husband, my family and friends, and especially other moms who have gone through this as well give me just a little bit of peace, a little bit of respite in the long days of worry land. I am praying for you, and hope you know you can reach out to us as well.
-Amber
March 20, 2011 at 2:23 pm
Amber, this line is so true. I think we who have lost a child are always aware of what can happen. “The day I stop worrying is the day they lay me to rest.”
March 25, 2011 at 1:47 am
Congratulations and I can understand your mixed emotions! Thank you for your honesty in sharing. I am 37 weeks pregnant. I have also been terrified of adding stillbirth to my list after a miscarriage and losing my baby daughter Kaia. I hold very tightly to the firm belief that this baby will be ok, but it is very scary to have a “subsequent” child after a SIDS loss. Since a cause was never found then it is very scary to not know what will happen. Before I got pregnant I had a dream that I gave birth to a baby boy and in the dream it was our first moment of true pure happiness after Kaia’s death. I have never forgotten that dream.
My struggle for sanity and normalcy never goes away though, Sage had her first ear infection 2 days ago and I rushed home from work to take her to the doctor because I was so terrified of what was wrong with her. I decided that my husband and I have a true challenge in our lives to not be so so afraid of the worst case scenario with our children, after living it. I also think a major challenge and life lesson for me personally is accepting that I simply do not have control over everything that happens in my life, and in my children’s lives. I want so much to wrap them in a protective bubble and keep any bad thing from happening to them but all I can do is try my very best. But once the worst case scenario happens to you, then you are changed because you know that bad things and rare things can happen to you. It is a hard thing to live with!!